Victory Over Suffering: A Pursuit of Joy

This week, we are on a family vacation in Branson, MO.  I honestly cannot recall the last time I was able to fully enjoy something as big as a vacation!  Our family took a trip to Mt. Rushmore three years ago, and although I was able to go see the national monument and visit a few tourist attractions, I had to spend a considerable amount of time on the trip resting or in bed.  I have been looking forward to this vacation for almost a year and excitedly planned all the fun tourist attractions and events we would participate in.  My husband was thrilled about my enthusiasm.  He has sincerely wanted to meet my expectations and make it a memorable trip for me.  Some of the tourist attractions I wanted to see were somewhat out of the way, so we decided to leave a day early to make it work.  Monday night, we were off on our family adventure.  Unfortunately, we barely made it across the border into Minnesota when we had the first mishap with a blown tire on a very busy interstate bridge over the St. Croix River.  The tire blowout was the first of a handful of setbacks that  made for a long tense two-day drive which forced us to canceled my plans for Tuesday.

Over the past several years, I began to realize how much I took for granted prior to my battle with chronic Lyme disease.  Consequently, I also discovered the simple pleasure of letting go of expectations and enjoying life as it is.  Until recently, my expectations have been minimal.  As I began to make breakthroughs in my health, I decided to make this a "victory" summer.  I have done more activities in the past month than I probably have in 10 years.  My daughter and I have been making weekly videos to document these victories.  They may not be the best quality filming; however, our videos are candid, real, and have enriched both our relationship and our enthusiasm for our mission to inspire others.  Annika's younger brothers have relentlessly teased us about making them, but we are having so much fun! This trip was to be our greatest victory in our summer project, and I think we probably made our expectations a little too high in the process of planning it.

It is funny how we can allow our expectations lead to disappointment when things do not turn out the way we pictured them.  When I think about all the times I had to completely miss out on events, the disappointment I experienced yesterday over a delay in plans now seems silly to me.  I should just be glad that I can make the trip with a few accommodations and let it be at that.  I am certain that in looking back at our vacation; we will focus on the wonderful memories we made and probably will chuckle about some of  our setbacks.

My husband and I at Silver Dollar City

Several years ago, I made it my mission to pursue joy in all things, which has not been an easy task given my circumstances.  This pursuit was the inspiration for this blog and for my social media name, "Joyful Mama."  I can honestly say that I frequently fail at this pursuit; however, I continue to stay with it.  The truth is that I was tired of feeling sorry for myself and tired of expecting others to feel sorry for me.  When your life is suddenly put on hold by something like an illness or condition, you become easily absorbed in your own suffering.  I equate it to a similar experience as going through a pregnancy in which every waking moment can easily be consumed with thoughts about the baby you are expecting, and you find yourself talking about it with everyone.  When you are constantly in pain, sick, having vertigo, heart palpitations, tremors, etc, it is nearly impossible to ignore or not think about it all the time.  The difference between a pregnancy and a chronic illness is that thoughts revolving around pregnancy do tend to be more joyful and the people around you are more likely to want to engage in discussions about a baby coming into the world.  I had to come to terms with the fact that people may not be comfortable discussing my illness or symptoms, and I had to be OK with that.  At some point, I made a decision let go of my expectations for myself and the people in my life.  In this process, I unearthed confidence and joy in at a new level which cannot be explained in worldly terms.

How do you find joy when you are suffering and in pain?  How do you find joy when you are worrying about your health, your family, or your finances?  How do you find joy when the circumstances of your life is the opposite of joyful?  Joy is an intentional pursuit which can only be fulfilled in a daily personal relationship with God.  I make joy intentional by choosing to focus on what is good in my life and putting together multiple lists of what I am thankful for.  My methods may seem too simple; however, these simple pursuits have supernaturally enriched my life in a way I cannot begin to describe.

To those who are in the middle of a very difficult battle with illness, anxiety, or depression; I am not intending to minimize your suffering or be trite to your pain.  I have been there.  I know from personal experience that there is no fathomable way to "suck it up" or make yourself not feel the way you do.  It is more of a matter of clinging to God and holding on to those promises when nothing else makes sense.  When you feel like you are losing everything, God can seem like all that is left.   God's promises may seem so far away that you could never dream of finding the light out of the darkness of your circumstances.  It takes a tremendous amount of trust to keep going when it seems like you have lost hope.    It may not seem like there is a light, but I assure you there is and hope may come in an unexpected way.  My hope was grounded in reflecting on Christ's unimaginable suffering for my sake.  At my lowest point, I felt a kinship to the story of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.  He was in  so much anguish that He literally sweat drops of blood.  This story brought more comfort to me than anything the world could offer.  If anyone understands our suffering, it is Jesus. 

Now that I am on the other side of falling into the pit of despair, I frequently feel a tremendous amount of joy knowing that I can achieve victory and take back when the enemy of illness has robbed.  In experiencing this joy, I have come to realize how deceptive our feelings are.  Just as I don't always feel in love with my spouse, children, God, etc., I don't always feel happy.  Sometimes I feel sad, anxious, or overwhelmed; however, I am committed to live my life serving my spouse, children, and God.   I am committed to make the best of what God has given me, including the hardships.

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JOYFUL TREASURES:  Count it All Joy

"Count it all joy when you face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  --James 1:2

Roses are a beautiful reminder that though life gives us thorns, beauty remains in the steadfastness of our trials.  Our suffering may be for a season; however, the "Blessed Controller of All Things" will somehow meet us in our place of hardship to carry us through the valley.  Someday, we will receive our reward for these hardships.  Victory comes not in what we have done to overcome our sorrows; but what our Creator has done for us. 

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To learn more about my daily pursuit of joy in how I manage both my exercise and devotional time, you can watch my recent video about joy: