When I was a Social Work student at Kansas State University 20 years ago, my dearest friend was another student named Brenda. I admired Brenda because she was bold, courageous, and wasn't afraid to speak her mind. Brenda was also in a wheelchair. In our Social Work studies, we were taught to be politically correct in how we spoke about marginalized groups and minorities. For example, it might be perceived as discriminatory to use the term "disabled", so we should say "differently-abled" instead. Brenda once confessed to me that she and other people she knew with physical impairments thought that "differently-abled" was the most ridiculous term they ever heard of and found it annoying that people came up with such outrageous terms. She didn't understand why people can't just speak plainly and tell it like it is.
One evening, I was at a college event with Brenda and her son, when she could not get in the building with her wheelchair. She asked me to help her son find someone to let her in. Embarrassed at how I should approach the situation with all my "politically correct knowledge", I found a staff member and said "I have a friend who is 'differently-abled' and needs a way to get in." As soon as it came out of my mouth, I realized how ridiculous it did sound and cringed inwardly wondering what Brenda would have thought if she heard it!
I recently told this story to my teenager daughter, Annika, who has had to help her dad in being my caregiver since I was diagnosed with Chronic Lyme in 2011. We both laughed about the story as we talked about Annika referring me as her "differently-abled" mother. Annika was exposed to individuals with physical impairments and cognitive loss since the day she came home from the hospital as an infant and our first stop was at the nursing home to visit her Uncle Ernie who needed nursing care for his MS. As a social worker, I was employed in group homes and facilities for memory care and physical impairments. I frequently brought Annika to work to spend time with my clients, and she was running activities by the time she was 10 years old. Because of this exposure, helping me with my own physical impairments came naturally for Annika. This week, Annika encountered a man in a wheelchair at Walmart that left quite an impression on her. She shared this story on Facebook and told me that I could post it on my blog. I couldn't be prouder of my profoundly wise and compassionate daughter!
"Yesterday, I was shopping, and I passed a guy in a wheelchair. I glanced at him as I passed, and he had an amputated leg. Now, I have a disabled family member, and I spent a lot of time around elderly people when I was younger so I am not new to this stuff. I was just kind of thinking. "Oh, his leg is amputated", and like any adult would do, I just continued on.
Then, the guy says, "Go on and ask."
I turned and glanced at him, completely surprised. He says to me, "I saw you glance at me. You're wondering what happened to me. Ask."
I didn't know what to say. I tend to be very mild mannered unless you're family or a close friend. That's when I am blunt and bold. The man goes on to tell me that he ruptured a blood vessel and his leg "died." He tells me about the time a six year-old girl asked him what happened, and he told her he lost it at the hospital. Then, she asked him, "Did you go back and find it?" We both laughed over this statement, and it was the first time I had a good laugh in a while. It felt good.
He ended the statement with something along the lines of, "You were wondering if it is okay to ask." I told him there was no judgement from me. I have a disabled family member in a wheelchair, so I get it. He answered, "See, all the kids ask, but the adults never do because they are afraid of OFFENDING SOMEONE." He snarled the last 2 words, waiving his hand in annoyance.
That conversation got me thinking. The man had probably received his share of judgement for being in a wheelchair, or for missing his leg for that matter. I'm guessing I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I understand how it goes because I can't even count how many times I've stared someone down with a nasty glare until they saw me and awkwardly looked away when they were judgmentally staring at my mother in a wheelchair. I am proud to know her and be seen with her, whether or not I am pushing her in her wheelchair. It annoys me when people judge her or stare just because she is sitting in a chair with wheels. It's like they are staring at an object. I'll have you know that my mother is fully human. She works very hard to keep up with us yahoos. She is very kind and can easily make me laugh. The guy at the store was pretty dang human too.
We are all guilty of staring and thinking less of someone because they are disabled. We judge them as less of a person because they are in a wheelchair, using a walker or cane, using a service dog, can't see or hear, or because they look or act strange. That is not true at all. They are just like you but function differently, and please don't go around saying they are "differrently-abled." Mom and I could laugh for hours over that ridiculous statement. I am saying they are human too. If we learn to treat them as such, maybe our world would be a better place.
One last thing. To the guy with the long hair and the Green Bay Packers jacket sitting in a wheelchair in the shoe isle at Walmart: I don't know your name, and I don't think you will ever see this but I will say it anyway. Yesterday, you stopped this random girl with red and black hair wearing a gray sweatshirt and black beanie because she glanced at your missing leg. She was sort of just aimlessly wandering around, trying to kill time. She just had a long, rough, and disappointing day, and she was feeling discouraged and down when she passed you.
The reason she left Walmart with a huge smile on her face, happy though she left empty handed, and the reason why she went to bed knowing she had a good day was because she ran into this random guy sitting in a wheelchair in the shoe isle. Believe it or not, you made my day, sir. Thank you."
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JOYFUL TREASURES: Taking Risks
Deuteronomy 31:6- "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."
This is a selfie Annika and I took June of 2017 when she talked me into going shopping with her for a Father's Day gift. I hadn't been in a store since 2011 when I was treating for Lyme and almost passed out. I was nervous about using one of the wheel chair scooters at the Target store but Annika got the scooter for me and showed me how to use it. We had so much fun together and have been able to go shopping together a handful of times since. Thank you to my sweet daughter for encouraging me and helping me to take risks and go for it!
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Watch this recent video we put together on one of our recent shopping expeditions!!
For more information about Chronic Conditions and Invisible Disabilities, you can read some of my other blog posts:
https://puresimplewholeliving.blogspot.com/2018/09/glimpse-into-chronic-illness-life-on.html
